New Year's Resolutions

To begin with, a documentation of the completion of certain resolutions from 2009.

Goal: to read 10 books
Accomplished: 18 + .5 of 2 other books

1. Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster
2. The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer
3. Watchmen by Alan Moore
   
4. Youth Culture 101 by Walt Mueller
5. The Screwtape Letters (finally) by C.S. Lewis
6. That Incredible Christian by A.W. Tozer
7. Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
   
8. Crazy Love by Francis Chan
9. Life of Pi by Yann Martel
10. Red Son by Mark Millar
    
11. Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortensen
    
12. Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne
13. The Importance of Being Foolish by Brennan Manning
14. The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller
15. Basic Economics by Thomas Sowell
16. Plan B by Ann Lamott
    
17. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller
18. Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell
    
19. half of The Lexus and the Olive Tree by Thomas Friedman
20. half of Sindbad and Other Stories from Arabian Nights translated by Husain Haddaway

Goal: to save up and hopefully buy a saxophone
Accomplishment: bought a sax through craigslist, and have been studying/practicing for the past 5 months. See other blog for more details.

Goal: to give away a lot of stuff
Accomplishment: this seems to have turned out pretty well, although I can give, and could have given, a lot more. God has blessed me with so much, and I'm working to have a heart that remembers that nothing is mine in the first place.

Goal: run for a consecutive 2 hours
Accomplishment: got to a point of running for an hour and 20 minutes. I'll have to retry this one!

Goal: pay off second highest loan
Accomplishment: paid off one small loan, as well as second most costly loan that has the highest interest rate. Monthly loan payments have been reduced by 50%!

Goal: travel to Russia
Accomplishment: took part in a two-week mission trip to Moscow, Krasnodar and Maikop.

Which reminds me.. places I've visited in 2009:

1. Chicago, IL (twice)
2. Pheonix and Tuscon, AZ
3. aforementioned cities in the Russian Federation
4. San Francisco and Walnut Creek, CA
5. Minneapolis and White Bear Lake, MN
6. Knoxville, TN
7. Los Angeles and Calabassas, CA
8. Grapevine, TX
9. Detroit and Shelby Township, MI
10. Frankfurt, Berlin, Nuremberg, Memmingen, Fussen, and Munich, Germany (by plane, by train, and by automobile!)
    
11. Zurich, Engelberg, and Luzern, Switzerland

Never in my lifetime did I think that I would have gotten to travel this much to Europe, especially by this age. There are more international trips ahead, Lord willing!

Now to report on this coming year's resolutions.

Goal 1: to read 20 books
Goal 2: to advance to book 3 for the saxophone, and hopefully have a private lessons teacher
Goal 3: to pay off one of my 2 smaller loans by June
Goal 4: to become proficient in another foreign language
Goal 5: to run for a consecutive hour and a half
Goal 6: to get rid of even more stuff that I don't need, or that others could use more than I
Goal 7: as most recently inspired by Rob Bell's book (see the list above), to be the eucharist

I don't mean to write these out to make you think any more of me. I am not what I do, or what I have done. I am simply who God has created me to be--his daughter.

..And there are other goals, but I prefer to keep them personal. I'm excited for this coming year, even if it turns out to be harder than the last. In all things, God is good.

Travel commentary

Man.. jet lag sleep is the best, because when you're out. You're out.

It's so cool to see all this stuff, but you can't take it with you. Unless you write about it.

When you don't travel with a group (like a set of 10 or 20 folks), you get to do what you want.

Sometimes it's more fun to talk to the people than to see the sights.

Plan to spend more than you want, but remember that it's always worth it as you don't know when you'll be back.

I'm really thankful that planes are becoming more environmentally friendly. I was thinking about the many planes I've flown this year--discussed this with Liz--and that's quite a lot of fuel in the atmosphere.

You don't get the full experience unless you eat some of the food of the area. If the menu would normally make you gag in America, remember that the country you're in actually knows how to make it (i.e. baba ganoush).

Who you travel with can make all the difference.

Staying in hostels = adventure. Staying in hotels = more sleep. Staying at a friend's house = best of all.

The return voyage

The ten or so hour journey has come to an end. We woke up with the sun, and thankfully met no long waits at the Frankfurt airport. However, there was some confusion with the tickets, and that had to do with me thinking we were flying United when it was really Lufthansa. woops.

I decided to read and watch movies in intervals to pass the time. Kendra and I ended up not sitting together, but I wasn't much for talking any way. So I read about Ali Baba and the 40 thieves, watched a hindi movie, read part of the story of 'Ala al-Din, watched Julie and Julia, read a little more, watched The Time Traveller's Wife..

Chatted a little with my neighbor named Amanda about literature. Turns out she is a grad student who did her thesis on Homer's The Illiad. Right up my alley thanks to my minor.

Then one final flight from DFW to Denver--trust me I would've called if it weren't such a short layover. Finished the story of 'Ala al-Din, which by the way is NOTHING like the movie. Lexie picked us up (!!!) and we got to chat about the trip as well as boot camp experiences. So great to see her!

When I returned home, I realized that I didn't have the key to the house, so I just went to the Ahnold's next door. But my absolute favorite part was when the Sonnenbergs came back (Noah had fencing practice), and Noah came running over to give me a big hug. "I missed you Sharayah!" he said, and it made me feel all warm inside. It's cool to have a little brother. I'm glad too, that I could share some of my Swiss chocolate I had bought in the Frankfurt airport with him.

But my favorite duty-free purchase is shown at the top. keehee.

Goodnight.

Show off

So another cool incentive to our lift passes included free tubing down a slalom halfway up the mountain. Kendra and I hit it up on our second day in the Alps, where we learned that not only can you tube (and trains are most fun, I must add ;), but you can ride other various plastic toys. I don't know how to describe them, so I guess I must include a picture: The best was the one my pops is holding. I went so fast and so far on that sucker! And yet, I also enjoyed the horses Kendra and I are sitting on, as they are hilarious when you fall off of them.

The video includes our new American friend Connor who went down the hill we really wanted to go down (we weren't allowed because it was deemed too dangerous. psh). I was so jealous of this guy and his pal Brian, whose job it is to make the slalom, and then to test out all the snow toys to make sure we can hit the best speed possible. They get paid for this? Oh yeah, and when they're done for the day they get to snowboard longer than the rest of the people who are there. AND.. they get free room and board. I suppose there are perks to being an engineer.

Hallelujah

Last week, we made a stop by the Konzerthaus Berlin to enjoy the performance of Handel's Messiah by the Academy of Old Music (a literal translation) Berlin orchestra. It was performed in English, although the German translation was included in the program.

We got all dressed up for the event, although you can't really see it in the picture. Let's just say I was wearing sparkly shoes, and that some Italian guy said "Kiss me please!" in the train station. (Don't worry, I gave a defiant "No!" but did chat with him and his friends briefly before boarding our train.)

The music was breath-taking due to the combination of the piano forte, the choir, the stringed instruments (especially the cello!) and the different soloists. I was a little caught off guard though, when the alto turned out to be a man.

More importantly, what I loved about this was that the lyrics are straight from Scripture. Here, in this somewhat God-less country, hundreds were listening to truth about Jesus being the Messiah we all need. It is also why I write about it this morning, because we celebrate this Christmas day as representative of when He first came into this world to save us!

So, after a brief nap in the middle of the music (what can I say? It was very relaxing music!), I spent some time in prayer for the people who filled the hall, hoping that some of the truth would pierce their hearts and that their world would never be the same..

Here's a view of the beautiful concert house and organ:

And here is approximately where we sat. They weren't the best seats in the house, but they got the job done. It was a concert I will never forget!

Baah-Ram-Ewe

The background to this story is that in America, we say "Mee-ow" for the sound of the cat. In Russia, it is simply "Mew." And I heard more than once my interpreter give a couple short "Mew"s to the kittens on the streets in Maikop. You could call it adorable.

It is interesting to think about the sounds of animals that we teach our children. I've recently learned that Deutchland's sound for the sheep is not "Baah" but "Maah." So there I was, enjoying the Christmaskindlmarkt in Memmingen, and I got a little distracted by the actual sound of the sheep just chillin by the nativity scene. I like the sound this one made the best!

Lasagna

Can't help but offer this quick little story amidst the many on my Germanic adventure:

We exited the half-carnival, half-Christmaskindlmart during our first night in Berlin. We're crossing the street. A woman in front of us is escorting her two daughters across, holding their hands. One of the girls looks rejectedly at the cone in her hand. It wasn't for ice cream though, as we soon figured out.

The woman turns to us and spits out a sentence or two quickly in her native tongue. I look dumbfounded, I'm sure. "English?" She pauses a moment.

"Would you like these? My daughter says they are no good."

Not exactly the best selling pitch, but I'm usually game for anything. The woman hands over the small cardboard cone to us. The contents are hidden under a couple foldings.

"What is it?" I ask.

She struggles, the woman, to come up with the right word. "L... lasagna."

"REALLY?" I squeal, more in disbelief than excitement.

She nods enthusiastically. Can one resist lasagna in this sort of packaging?

Turns out it's roasted chestnuts. They were quite tasty.

The surprise

Well, as it turns out, a few of you figured out my secret. Not that it was hard to figure out, but most people don't look into things the way you do. And you know who you are. :P

The point is, I've been learning the saxophone these past few months and Christmas Spectacular, the annual youth group talent show (that rocks in every way), was my first chance to perform. I've always been a fan of ska music, so Justin tabbed out Five Iron Frenzy's version of the Rich Mullins classic, You Gotta Get Up. Below is our performance. It's not amazing, and you can definitely hear the parts where we're a little flat. However, I was more happy that I got to play at all. It has been so fun learning the instrument. In fact, if you want to read more of my chronicles of saxophon-ing, just click here. Enjoy!

I would also like to comment on the Spectacular. First of all, boy bands are always funny. I don't know who decided that, but in the end it means that Barry, Michael, Stefan and Tony were hilarious. Next, Bethany was better than Macaulay Culkin. And I'm so proud of Susie for being crazy during the poetry slam. Great work Marcus on the piano; it's crazy to me that you're only in 7th grade. Or 8th. Either way..

There is much more I can say, but I think I'm going to finish packing now. And then maybe continue the Bourne series. I can never get enough of Matt Damon. keehee.

I just feel like saying

This adventure is worth every moment. It's funny, how eager I am to write a New Year's blog, and yet have to wait a couple weeks before I can technically write it (especially considering two of this past year's resolutions are coming to their fruition/completion either tomorrow or in the final weeks of the year--vague much?). Indeed, hard to explain. Hard to make a coherent sentence. Perhaps you were still able to follow?

Nonetheless, in 36 hours I will be boarding a plane in order to see friends and family. Two friends who got to witness the (I can only imagine) BEAUTIFUL wedding of Jon and Siobhan that took place today. I prayed for them so much throughout this day. And family, I'm already refreshed at the thought of seeing mom and dad again. AND!!! I get to do all this while traveling with Kendra. I am somewhere between the line of blessed and spoiled.

On a side note, Yolanda and I successfully disturbed Greg's mojo in Rummikub tonight. :P

Heart and Mind pt 2

I guess the first thing that came to mind about a decision that didn't consider the emotions was the Crusades. But we talked about something else, and it hit me close to home.

Our study leader talked about how the Bible is repetitive about taking care of the orphans and widows. "Now, it can clearly be taken from Scripture that I should go start an orphanage, but that may not be something I'm passionate about," he had said.

Ironically, I have considered taking a month or two to volunteer at an orphanage in the Philippines. But truly, that's not my passion, even though I know that I would enjoy the time doing that. I can see why too, one of my friends had a hard time when she volunteered at one in South America.

For me, it seems, well... who else is going to do it? And yet, Christ has also placed in my heart a different passion. A passion that is just as equally Biblical as working at an orphanage.

So in English, matching the logic of the Biblical mandate for one's life (often found by distinguishing your spiritual gift) with what God has placed inside your heart, the emotion, to do.

This is part of why I love youth ministry, because students are constantly trying to figure out what they are going to do, and where that will be. It's so important to remind them that you don't have to figure it out right away. Circumstances are constantly in flux. Usually though, passions remain.

Any way, again, back to work stuff. Just wanted to type these thoughts down for now. Hopefully I'll get around to a few more before I head out.

P.S. be on the look out for a surprise!!!

Heart and mind

So in the GROW class, we talked about the act of discernment, and started off by defining the word (a necessary custom).

dis cern ment: the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure.

The definition alone helps clear some things up. For instance, it's not discernment when there is a direct revelation from God. If He says, "Go into the city and you will be told what to do" (See Acts 9), then there was nothing to discern. Or maybe you're given a choice, like where to take a job, and you don't have a sense of God's leading you. That's not discernment either. Our study leader explained that it's like your dad on your birthday, and he offers to cook either hot dogs or burgers--whichever you prefer. Neither is necessarily better than the other.

Sometimes too, the choice we are to make is clear, but we don't want to make the Godly choice. It was mentioned that if Samson (the strongest man), David (the man after God's heart) and Solomon (the wisest man) all chose wrongly, don't think that we are immune. We're just as human.

Discernment has to do with a few things:

• Deepening our faith; we make a decision without all the information. Note that the "lamp unto our feet" is not a spotlight down the path again.
• Learning about ourselves. Learning about our emotions (boy do I understand this one!), or are intentions, etc.
• Building a relationship of trust. "God is not a dispatcher of answers from a faraway office, but an up-close-and-personal being who wants to converse back and forth with us. God is relentlessly relational, inviting us into an interactive life so that discernment and decision making are fleshed out within ongoing nudges within our everyday life with God."*
• Learning to recognize the voice of our Shepherd, despite the constant talking of other influences.

We focused on the final bullet, and mentioned that there isn't a formula. Not the formula word again! But it's interesting how so many people have written so many books on how to hear God's voice, or our friends just tell us to pray about it and God will show us the way (mmhmm.. guilty as charged). We expect that if there are all sorts of other things in this world that use a formula (fixing a car, shoveling snow, and so on), then we should be able to relate to God in such a manner. Until of course, we remember that we can't relate to people formulaically, much less God.**

Why? Because we are emotional beings. Logic is important, but it can not stand alone.

The Christian spiritual heritage takes emotion very seriously, particularly the interplay between mind and heart. Our emotions define our experience and give weight to our convictions. They give meaning to our lives. They reflect our fundamental values. By its very nature, an internal response to the inner witness of the Spirit of God requires that we develop the capacity to be attentive to what is happening to us emotionally.***

Remember Jesus' emotions of anger in the temple, and weeping at Lazarus' tomb. Remember that when we pray, we bring our whole selves to the conversation--our emotions and circumstances. You can't just throw emotion out the door in times of decisions, just as you can't throw logic out the door either. They work together, but I would say it is most critical to talk about how much more emotion has been left to the wayside in our decision-making processes.

I'm off to take a test for something for my future. Please pray for me. I'll write more later.

* Johnson, Jan. "Discernment Within a Conversational Life." Conversations: A Forum for Authentic Transformation.
** Spiritual disciplines are about setting up an environment for God to work in our lives, but doing them does not mean that He will give us an answer we are looking for. I often find we never find what we're looking for, but He shows us something better.
*** Smith, Gordon T. The Voice of Jesus.

Gingerbread homes

This past Friday, I got to share in the family tradition of building gingerbread houses. The Sonnenbergs (featuring Greg and Yolanda, and sister of Greg, Bert along with her adorable granddaughter Debria) usually buy a pre-made home and then spend an evening decorating. The adults worked on the house you see in the picture above.
C.J. (Debria's brother) and Noah got very creative with their rooftop. I personally love the word joy on there! As you can see too, C.J. enjoyed more than just putting together the little house. hehe.
It's okay though, because I definitely liked eating a few of the "bushes" aka minty gummy pieces you see at the bottom side to the left. It was great to do some crafty stuff, as well as laugh together with the family. A lovely tradition!

Oooh.. big doggie!!

Who remembers the scene in The Sandlot, where the dog escapes and starts running all around the town? The dog is chasing Benny, and at one point they're at the local swimming pool. A little kid shrieks, "Look mommy!! A doggie!" The dog comes closer. "Ooooh.. big doggie!" he says, right as mother scoops him to safety.

This scene came to mind when talking with a student about God. She was reading a certain book of the Bible and admitted to not liking it.

"Why not?" I had asked.

Well.. because.. Because God just seems so angry!"

"Is He justified in his anger?"

"Well, yeah. But.."

I recently finished the book of Exodus. While visions of the Easter classic The Ten Commandments danced in my head, I couldn't help but notice how much the film misses the mark of the real story. Then again, how can you ever capture the magnitude of God's power with a sound stage? Answer: you can't.

The most fascinating part to me was when Moses and God are chatting on the top of the mountain. God is passing down the rules for His people. These rules would establish the Israelites as His, just as the Constitution is what establishes us as Americans (sorry Canadians). God is writing out the plans for the royal line of priesthood, as well as how His temporary dwelling place is to be built. But in the midst of this conversation, something is a-brewing at base camp.

The Israelites, once again, have gotten restless, and decide to make their own god. Why would they pick a wimpy calf of all animals, beats me, but that's what they did. They then spend time in worship to this idol, and "indulge in revelry"--I'll leave that for your interpretation. God knows what's happening, and stops the conversation with Moses to say that He's angry. "Let me just destroy them real quick," He says. "Then we can start from scratch."

Moses pleads, "Don't do that God! Then all the Egyptians will make fun of you. They'll say that you brought them out of Egypt just to kill them. That wouldn't look too good. Besides, remember all of those promises you made to my great-great-great-great-grandfathers?"

So God relented.

Next, Moses goes down the mountain with the laws and regulations in hand. When he sees for himself all that the Israelites are doing, he follows it up with what I call a Hulk-like anger. All the work put into the tablets with the rules, gone, as Moses throws them to the ground and they shatter. He races to the golden calf and burns it. And if that weren't enough, he grinds the idol to dust, puts it in the water and makes the Israelites drink it. Sounds like a good hazing experience if you ask me.

He calls the people who still desire God to come to him. Turns out most of these guys are from the tribe of Levi, which God had decided would be the members of the royal priesthood that I had mentioned earlier (He knows what He's doing, eh?). Then Moses has all of these guys take a sword and go throughout the camp and destroy the Israelites--brothers and friends and neighbors. Three thousand are killed.

And this is where The Sandlot scene came to mind. "Look mommy! It's Moses!!.. Oooh! Angry Moses!!!"
I am captivated by how Moses experiences a God-like anger here. The very anger he pleaded with God not to show, he shows himself. To me, this is proof of how close the relationship was between Moses and God. The same heartbreak over sin God experienced, Moses experienced.

Maybe that's why it's so hard to accept the anger God shows in other parts of the Bible; because we have a long way to go. The wrath of God is justified by our sin. We deserve death. We deserve separation from God because of all that we've done (which, when we search our minds and hearts, we know is a lot!). The doggie is much bigger than we imagined. And as we come closer to a holy God, we recognize again how wretched we truly are.

It's like we forget the darkness of Good Friday. I'm not God, but I can imagine that the separation Jesus experienced on the cross and in the tomb those three days was not a fun experience. Not by a long shot. But that's what it took to satisfy the wrath of God towards the world's sin. It would take the blood (gross) of Jesus to cover us, before God could even look at us again.

While it is good, even great, to focus on how much God loves us, perhaps we also need a dose of understanding God's wrath toward sin. After all, even Peter in the beginning of Acts, preaches about the fact that YOU, with the help of wicked men, were the ones who killed Jesus. If you're offended by that, I don't know what to tell you except that it's true.

That's why this guy named Isaiah, who being in the presence of the holy God, had to immediate confess his sin. God can't stand the sight of it!

The next verses after Moses' anger burns against the people are very hard to swallow:

"The LORD said to Moses, 'Leave this place. You and the people you brought out of Egypt... But I will not go with you, because you are a stiff-necked people, and I might destroy you on the way.'" (Exodus 33:1, 3b)

First of all, while we had previously spent chapters on the rules that would set the Israelites apart, now we see God disowning them. The rules usually ended with something along the lines of, "You do this so that you will be my people, so that I will be your God." But what God is saying feels like divorce. He can't even go with them. What Moses had done was weak sauce compared to what God might do.

How does THAT make you feel?

If it doesn't sit right with you, I'd ask you to pray about it. Maybe in your own life, you've been getting away with sin that was the very hammer and nail to Jesus' death. Remember that our God does not take sin lightly, but Satan will do all he can to make it appear so!

Early celebration

Tonight, the first of December, was the Fusion Christmas party. It was a blast I tell you. We met at the Bartel's house, and played various games, enjoyed plenty of hilarity as well as delicious snacks!Here was perhaps the highlight of the night. That is, the snowman making contest featuring Mestro, Barry and Kelsey. I loved how they were willing to be goofy for the junior high-ers. Seriously, moments I will not forget.

Say hi to Mestro:

Brian read to us a little story at the end of the evening (only leaders were left by this time). Listen to the strange words:

And for kicks, I wanted to show off my current host home. It's not a high quality picture, but I was cold--I was more keen on getting indoors. I just really like the "Joy" sign because it truly is a joyful season of remembering Jesus Christ's birth!

Rest

Today was a strange one for me. Everywhere I turned, I could not help but feel overwhelmed. When I went to work, I was overwhelmed by the final things we have to plan for the year, as well as a major event that we have in January. I was overwhelmed by a couple emails I got. I went to the library to drop off some books, and was overwhelmed by the selection that I didn't pick one out.* I was overwhelmed by a conversation with a friend. I was even overwhelmed by the idea of going to Germany, and the things yet to be planned for that. Then there are the things beyond 2009 that are not in my control. That again put on the pressure.

I stopped to remember that Mondays are usually my day off. I usually just spend time at home, doing the things I love to do. But since this last week was such a break, I felt that I should go into work any way. Yet when I did go in to work, I felt like I didn't get anything done.

When I came home mid-afternoon, I just fell on my bed and crashed. I had a few words with God first, begging Him to help me with perspective or something. Then I slept. In my sleep, somehow I felt so relieved by the fact that this is but one day. God doesn't ask us to live for eternity, He asks us to live these 12 hours well (thanks to Lauren Cowart for this comment).

It's a gentle reminder that I'm not Superman. It's a reminder that God's the one in control. Even Masha recently wrote to me along these lines:

"God will take care of us if we ask him and rely our destinies on Him. That makes so much sense to me..u know one day I was thinking ab that allot. And I noticed that we can't control our lives - God is controlling it. So it's better not to struggle with Him and just trust Him since He knows what is better for us!"

I'm currently reading Exodus, and I just passed the part about keeping the Sabbath day holy. Six days you work, the seventh you rest. Why? Because even God rested. In fact, I still spent time working over Thanksgiving "break," and Sundays are definitely a work day for me. Why did I think that I was capable of working today? I am only human.

Three sets of great verses go with this, and I'll admit now to doing a crash course concordance study on the word "rest."

"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask for where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16

"Remember the command that Moses the servant of the LORD gave you: 'The LORD your God is giving you rest and has granted you this land.'" Joshua 1:13

"Come to [Jesus], all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

First of all, how much do you love the phrase, "rest for your souls"? God's not just talking about a peaceful time because there is no war or financial problem, He's talking about a peace that surpasses your circumstances.

He's talking about a path for your life that is best. Surrendering to that path (as the Israelites weren't so good at doing in the book of Joshua) is where you will find a rest on the inside. It does not come without more trials, and it also requires of us to study. Jesus says to "learn from me" and even the word yoke is in reference to the teachings (the yokes) of Spiritual teachers of the time. We are to sit at His feet and listen like Mary had done. We are to apply to our lives what we have learned (the essence of true learning, no?).

And it is just for the now. That is, not that we don't eagerly await the future where we are made perfect, but we strive toward the goal, the kingdom of heaven, here and now. To take up the cross daily implies that it is these 12 hours that are surrendered to Him. We can't do it alone. We can't do it out of our own will and desires. It's a paradox. As most of Christianity.

Hmm.. and now I'm overwhelmed by the inability to explain anything. I think I'll go eat and take another nap :).

*Granted, I wasn't going to pick one out any way, because of my vacation coming up. But I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to read next!

Lessons in cinema part 3

Say hello to The Brothers Bloom. More like, say hello to Adrien Brody, one of my favorite actors (especially after The Pianist). He's no Matt Damon, but.. lol.

I have a feeling many of my readers here haven't even heard of this movie, much less have seen it. Well let me tell you, it's very entertaining. I will not say that the film is amazing, but it is a fun adventure across the world (Montenegro, the Czech Republic, Russia and Mexico) with a couple of con artists. Um.. minus a most awkward scene with Rachel Weisz' character on a train. Sorry about that one.

But I'd like to focus in on Brody's character. He tells his brother at the beginning of the film that he wants to quit the con artist life. He talks about his desire to live an "unwritten life", where the next step is not already planned out for him. A life where he doesn't have to act his part to get the girl or the money or what have you.

As the movie progresses, we see Brody falling for what he said he hated; there is a little bit of beauty and excitement in a staged life, although he himself does not realize that the stage has been set for him! If that's confusing, just watch to see what I mean.

This all got me thinking about the predestination and free will argument. When in our own lives are we truly free to make a choice, and when is it pre-planned?

More questions: Is complete free will or complete predestination a good thing? God seems to have some stages set (ie time/location for when we are born), but does that necessarily mean that the rest is up to us? Or as Al Pacino's character, aka the devil, in the movie Devil's Advocate says,

"I just set the stage, you pull your own strings."

That's a scary thought, but then again it makes sense. Pacino's character is talking about sin, and setting the stage means providing the temptations. We are the ones who choose wrongly.

Where I go from here is wondering how much control I want in my own life. On the one hand, I'm glad I'm not a robot, and that I am not obligated to follow God by force. I'm thankful to God that He has given me emotions and a mind to think for myself (unless this is the Matrix. Insert Twilight Zone music.). On the other hand, I know I would never be able to choose for myself the best way for me. There are a lot of things in life that I think I want, that I think would be good for me. Yet God, my Creator, knows me best by the mere fact that He created me in the first place.

This thought on the "unwritten life" is so hard to gauge. Technically, our life stories are unwritten until they are, well, written. That is to say, what happens in the present didn't happen until just then. But God knows us so well, inside and out, that He knows what we will choose. He already knows even the unwritten present. Is this hurting your brain?

Why do we feel the need to control our lives? Brody's character despised cheating life by acting out the role in accordance with the con. We too, have a desire to put on the false image of ourselves as a way to control our feelings, how others perceive us, and how certain circumstances will play out. What would happen if we could, would just let go? In the film, Brody got to experience the so-called unwritten life. With it came pain and love. Then when he reviewed everything, it turned out to be part of a plan as well (a plan put together by his brother who loved him). Were we to truly let go (our own free will?) to a loving God's master plan (predestination?), what might happen? We might experience a lot of pain and love in that as well--but at least those things are real.

The question marks are my way of saying that I have no real grasp on what I'm thinking. I suppose we have arrived again to a point of tension. There is choice, and there is predestination. Maybe the mixture of both is a really good combination, and God foreknew that. Uh-oh, now don't start that again!!

For some, it is just another Thursday

For America, it is Thanksgiving. I have had a lot of random-ish Thanksgivings. It started sophomore year of high school when I joined Allyson in California. There was one with great Uncle Tom in northern Illinois. There was one with the Dons clan in Chicago (featuring the delicious crapple pie--trust me, it's the best!).

This year, it was in Fort Collins with Kendra's folks. It was a very chill holiday. We drove up Wednesday after Turkey Bowl (pictures on Facebook.. oh, and I scored a few touchdowns!), and came back this evening because Kendra works tomorrow morning. It was cool to meet her mom, although I had met the rest of the family during the stock yard show in January. We played cards, watched a movie, slept, ate, goofed around on the piano, and walked around mostly.

I would call it very good.

So much to say sugar schnookems!

So back in the day, in fact, the very day, that the no-liquids-through-security thing happened, I was flying from New Mexico to Texas. Now, that's nothing compared to Siobhan in Scotland at the time (where the main threat was occurring). Nonetheless, we have the infamous 3-1-1 rule due to that day.

This time, the computer glitch happened. A computer glitch which erased all of the scheduled flight plans across the nation for the morning. I guess you can say I just have really good timing. Although, I wasn't so much upset about it as this flight, as well as the last one, was free. It was simply funny to fall asleep at 6am, the scheduled time of departure, on the runway, only to wake up almost 2 hours later on that same runway.
More importantly, welcome to the Hansion. Twas here that I spent the last four evenings enjoying a time of relaxation, amazing food and more fun than I can handle. That's the Hansens for ya!
For Liz's birthday, her small group friends came over for a fun meal (featured: Cody, Liz, Todd and Michelle). Below is me showing off the meal, as well as sending a hint toward my parents to include more pictures of their exotic meals across the pond. ;)
Yummy!! Steak, roasted broccoli, mushrooms, twice baked potato, and a scrumptious biscuit.
Here are the three ladies rocking it out to Beatles Rock Band on the Wii. That's right, I sang. All five us played every instrument, and enjoyed the hilarious lyrics of some Beatles' classics. Cody was so great at the "Shoot Me!" line in Come Together and Michelle was cracking me up (I couldn't breathe!) with "Goog g'joob" in I Am The Walrus.
Random but true: I happen to love the LoveSac. In fact, I scared Rory many a time as I would run and jump onto it, sinking in for the perfect view for movie time. Or Big Bang Theory time. keehee.

Random but also true: a few times we played various board games from Monopoly the card game to Avalanche. One evening featured Scattegories, where Cody rocked it. But I must mention two fantastic moments. The first was when we had the letter S and we were to write a term of endearment--Liz wrote Schnookems and I wrote Sugar. Cody had written Sugar Schnookems! Cancelled them both out! The other great moment was when we had the letter L and were to write a song title. Cody wrote Love. To which both Liz and I said, "Oh yeah? How does that one go?"

"I looooooove youuuuuu.. yes I doooooooooo!"

We guffawed! We gave it to him for sounding so silly. And continued to sing the song throughout the rest of the weekend.
Ahh! Embracing one of my favorite semi-traditions between Liz and I. That is, it only occurs when we're able to see each other for our birthdays. I had made her a cake the year after she graduated (the year before was the Hanson concert), and then she made one for me last year. This year, I baked while she was away for a couple hours at work. It was practically Reeses Peanut Butter Cups in cake form. I added sprinkles for her name.. and enjoyed some of the homemade icing..

Oh, and there might have been about 4 sticks of butter involved in the making of the cake. It was nice to get a slice almost every day. Splurge on vacation, as I always say!
In case you were wondering who Rory was, it's the Hansen's cat that always reminded me of my one and only cat Shiloh. This one is a crazy one though, and I love messing with her!
This was taken early in the morning. Can you tell? haha. Unfortunately, it was my last morning there. Ahh, it was so good to see my dear friend again!! She is one of the best to talk and be silly with. No wonder we made such great roomies!

God moments

Got to share the gospel with a student today. Good news gets sweeter every time around.

22 students came to Fusion, all because one student chose to bring his boy scouts group. Many of their parents stayed to make sure everything went well (we were playing dodge ball for most of the evening. Small groups at the end). They enjoyed it, and I told them about what we do at Fusion and that they're always welcome.

The only injury of the night was a ball to the face. My face, in fact. It still cracks me up that it happened literally during the last ten seconds of the last game after an hour 15 of play.

It's only a flesh wound!

God rocks.

Then there was the fact that Star Trek came out yesterday. One of my blog readers had asked me about it on gchat. I explained how I wasn't planning on buying the movie, due to lack of funds, so he generously gave me the funds to buy it through iTunes. The funny part was having to create a Canadian iTunes account to do so. So worth it, and I may watch it again tonight while I pack. And yes, I consider this a God moment too.

"Your father was captain of a starship for twelve minutes. He saved 800 lives, including your mothers and yours. I dare you to do better."

Seriously, how can you beat that?!

A little poem

Before Fusion starts tonight,
I choose to reminisce
on my recent observations at the Verizon store.
What? Were you expecting me to rhyme?

To begin with our helper was wearing a paisley tie.
No offense, but I always think of McClaskey's words,
how no one who aspires to great leadership
would ever be caught wearing that pattern.
"Stripes or bold," she always said.

And I think about how I at least wish I knew how to tie a tie.
Oh me.
Oh my.
(for those who needed it.)

Then there was the phrase,
"Yes, we'll replace it free for $50."
The woman he was speaking to did not blink twice,
yet it simply does not add up. Or it does,
I just haven't taken math in years.

The phones lined up along the wall included touch screens
and cameras and instant messaging and music downloads
and fancy names like Smooth and Fire.
But when I want service for an important call, I have nowhere to turn.

A girl was teaching another customer how to protect the touch screen.
"As long as you don't put it in your back pocket,
the phone will be fine." Fair enough I thought.
"So do you not put your phone in your back pocket?"
she was asked.
"Well, I do.." and somehow the sentence trailed off.
It must be nice to work at a phone store.

The Way I see it

Most of the snow had melted by Sunday, but this was left in the parking lot.

After Melissa's soccer game a couple weeks ago, this was my view on the ride home. The picture hardly holds justice to the vibrancy of colors.

Why we persevere

I confess. This past Wednesday, I lost it.

I have really been struggling with my role in students' lives. One thing I've learned about myself over this past year is that I am much better meeting with students one-on-one than in a group. Even if that group is only 3 including me, I have to be so careful to make sure I'm giving enough attention to both students. It's the worst in my car. I've decided that it's next to impossible for me to have a serious conversation in my car with more than one person. I can't concentrate on the student in the back seat well, and drive at the same time.

What I'm aiming to say here is that youth ministry is hard because it is never just about one student. There are a lot of people to be thinking about, and I will never be able to talk with them all on a consistent basis.

I'm okay with part of this, because I believe in a God who has sent out many laborers. Jesus too, spent a majority of his time with 12 guys, not the masses (and 3 guys within that 12 did He really focus on). The hard work is not all on me, and I feel the need to reiterate that it's a) not about me any way and b) He doesn't need me, but still chooses to let me be apart of His work. To which I say both "Right on!" and "Wait.. do You know who You've picked here?"

What I'm not okay with is the part where I have to watch students fall. I'm not talking about the times when they just trip up a little bit, we put a spiritual band aid on them and all is well. It's more like crash and burn. Maybe even something like this (sorry, just had to throw that one in).

And right now, I feel like I'm witnessing a lot of crashes and their proceeding burns. What's worse is the fire is spreading and hurting a lot of innocent bystanders, to prolong the imagery longer than necessary.

To those of us who may believe that our sin only affects ourselves, let me just go ahead and dispell that myth. While the initial sinful act may be a selfish one, the sin affects the community, and in turn affects the world. In the final judgment, many believe that it will be you sitting/standing before Christ while all the sins of your lifetime are laid before you. The Jews believe, and I agree with them, that the judgment is based on how we did as a group--the city on a hill ("You" is plural in the Greek). It goes back to the church imagery in the letter to the Corinthians; if one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers. Just as if one does an act of kindness for another, and that person in turns feels more compelled to either return the favor or pay it forward, so too sin, in the opposite sense can pay itself forward.

The same night that I was feeling so hurt by students who are messing up their lives, I received an email from one apologizing for his/her sins. The person confessed, and recognized that he/she has brought a lot of students down too. "It was all really immature and selfish of me," he/she had written.

So what do I mean by having to watch students fall?

It's because part of me recognizes that I'm not their Savior. That's Jesus' work. I can give my two cents, or throw a book their way, but ultimately, they make the decisions. And that's not to say I don't pray, and believe in the power of intercession for these students (though more on that sometime, as that is what we discussed in GROW this morning). Perhaps though, the lesson is in the falling.

My problem with "accepting the fall" is knowing that there is a better way. Merge discussed this a little tonight. It's not that Christ can not redeem and reconcile us after we've committed a sin. It's not that He can't use our faults to help relate to others better that have also fallen, or been affected by the falling of others. But can you imagine what it would be like had we not sinned in the first place??

With marriage. One who has lost his/her virginity (and to the wrong one) before marriage has hope to be restored by Christ. I fully believe that. Nonetheless, how much more beautiful is the gift of purity for the wedding night!

We looked to 1 Timothy 4:11-16. Verse 12 has always stood out to me, but it means so much more read with the surrounding verses. I had never looked much at the phrase in verse 13, "devote yourselves to the public reading of Scripture." Again, it's pointing to not only our need to hide God's word in our heart, but to read Scripture together. To discuss and to wrestle with it, together! Later the verses say to be diligent, "so that everyone may see your progress." We are on display for all the world to see--that the world may in turn see Christ in us. And finally, certainly the most striking of all to me, "Persevere [in your life and your closely held doctrine], because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers."

As I read these verses again and again to myself, I was encouraged. We do all that we can in our own lives, not just for ourselves, but for the saving of others. It makes my life, and the standards I live by to be all the more important. Every moment matters. Every word we say (thinking of the students again), even if ignored, matters.

Merge held baptisms tonight for any and all who felt led. The pastor explained baptism as a sign, or a mark like a wedding ring, to remind us of our decision for salvation. But the baptism itself was not what saves us. And so, as the music played, I witnessed perhaps 50-75 baptisms of perfect strangers. I could not help but be overwhelmed with joy, knowing that for those 50-75 (and maybe more, I'm guestimating) people, at least a couple hundred were involved in that process. Again, I lost it, but in a happier sense.

I was reminded of how much this way of living is worth it. I may not see the end result in so many of these students' lives, I may not see the affect in perfect strangers' lives. But one thing I know, He is with me. I will continue to be imperfect, I myself will continue to fail. Even still, we should persevere all the more, together, for the saving of others.

You could call it eavesdropping..

I was sitting in Lollicup this evening, hoping for small groups to start. Unfortunately, no one came, so I just read for a little bit.

However, I was soon distracted by a guy talking with a girl. They were talking about how she can lose weight effectively. Aside from the underlying issue that you should never tell a girl she needs to lose weight (that's what girl friends are for--good ones who can say so gracefully), some of his words were quite fascinating.

At one point, I heard him say, "Look, what is it going to take for you to realize how much you need this? So far you have been using methods that only lead to more problems" (she had mentioned substance abuse to help prevent cravings). "I can offer you a way that is healthier, and that will leave you with more confidence. You'll feel so much better about yourself!"

A little later, he said, "It's about realizing that you can't do it on your own. And what is interesting is that your friends are probably going to make fun of you for the way you're doing it. But you know what? They're really saying those things because they're envious of you. And if that's the case, then they're not your true friends. You'll need to get rid of them! You need to surround yourself with people who actually care about you!"

I remember him saying something too along the lines of the girl's inability to control her hunger. "It's a process. Getting yourself to master those forces takes time and effort. It always seems easy at first," he said. "But it's the people who really stick to it that will see results."

You could say I was wrapped up in this conversation. All the things this man was saying equates to what it's like when we're trying to help others see how great living for Christ can be!

"You have to see it for yourself," he had even said. "You have to really want it, or else it will never amount to anything."

And sometimes, we'll have to let go of the people we thought were our friends. Sometimes we have to push through even when it seems we can't stop desiring the worldly things. All of our efforts to save ourselves aren't working. When will you see that?

And sort of on a related topic, in terms of health, I happened to be reading Psalm 74 and I simply love this verse:

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. (Psalm 74:26)

Smile

Last night I had several fascinating dreams. One of them included me writing a blog about my reasons why I loved staring at the Mona Lisa at the Louvre. But as it was a dream, I just thought I'd take note of it, and not go into detail. Is that mean? I find it rather humorous :P

I dreamed about Michigan. And I dreamed about riding der Zug in Germany.

Unashamed

To borrow from a favorite author of mine, "The story begins in a garden."

This week's GROW class talked about the true self. When I described the class to a friend, I explained it like this: "Look. We are unconditionally loved as God's children. Somehow though, we have to remember that Christ died for us in our sinfulness, that we were unworthy of saving. Even in our continual mistakes post-choosing to follow Jesus, Christ will still love and accept us. We are to remember that this is true for all believers."

The details go something like this:

We looked to the verses Psalm 139:13-16 and Acts 17:26-27 (yeah Mars Hill!). We remembered that the true self is the person God made us to be, and who we are becoming (the fancy word for that is sanctification).

"It is your total self as you were created by God and as you are being redeemed in Christ."*

We took a moment to reflect on the fall, something I feel God has been so often reminding me of lately. It's as though Genesis 2-3 is coming up in every study or talk I listen to. What keeps being pointed out is this phrase:

"The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." (Genesis 2:25)

Adam and Eve walked in the garden with God completely vulnerable. Because of their intimacy with Him, they had no reason to fear. But the story continues. Adam was told from the beginning that he was in charge of working and taking care of the Garden of Eden. Interestingly enough, the phrase "taking care" of the garden in the Hebrew really means to defend or guard. What would Adam need to defend the garden from?

A serpent.

A crafty serpent who entices Eve to eat the fruit of a forbidden tree. Adam had failed because he was not performing his duty of protection. Scripture indicates that he was standing right next to Eve while she listened to the serpent and took a bite. Eve had also failed, however, because she knew the truth, but was deceived. The blame may be shifted by so many, but perhaps we forget that by this time, Adam and Eve were one flesh.

The immediate reaction to the fall was a recognition of nakedness. Clothes were made, Adam and Eve hid from the Lord. The domino effect begins for the rest of time. As someone put it, "We've been hiding from God ever since." We hide behind the false images that I had mentioned in a previous post, we hide behind works of righteousness.

We are to find our true self not by working at it, but by seeking God Himself. The Bible study leader gave the metaphor of floating, calling it active passivity. When we float we have to spread ourselves out completely. The hardest part is to tilt our head in such a way that we can not see the floating process. If we were to try to look at what was going on, we'd lose our ability to float. So we actively put ourselves in a position to know God (such as through the Spiritual Disciplines**), but trust that He will do the teaching and transforming.

Another active passivity is our need to repent. A word used later in the Merge talk Sunday evening. So before I get to this, another story:

I was reminded of my absolute favorite story in all of the Chronicles of Narnia. In Voyage of the Dawn Treader (the best book of the series in my opinion), this bratty character named Eustace turns into a dragon. He had found a lair of gold, and began pretending to think and act like a dragon. The problem is, he turns into this monster that no longer can relate to his friends any more. Aslan, who portrays Christ in the series, seeks out Eustace the dragon and tells him to follow Him. They end up at a well where Aslan tells the dragon to jump in, but he must undress first. Eustace tries, and scratches off layer and layer of dragon skin. But still he is a dragon.

"You will have to let me undress you," Aslan says.

And since Eustace also so desperately wanted to be free of the dragon skin, he "just lay flat down on [his] back and let [Aslan] do it."

Repentance is an action in that we look "inward with God in weeping agreement of our condition." But only He can cleanse us. Only He can rip apart our dragon selves and restore us to the child we are. Back to the point where we were naked, and unashamed.

The final comment is to remember that all of us are struggling with the stripping away of the dragon. We are all on this journey, and all are facing some incredible obstacles that hinder us from the nakedness before Christ. So I will end with this quote, that has cut me to the core for over 24 hours now:

"We need to forgive one another for not being God."***

So true.

* The Gift of Being Yourself.
** check out Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline for an incredible look at the Spiritual Disciplines.
*** Spiritual Direction.

High Fidelity style

Lyrics that are kicking my butt:

1. Unashamed by Starfield
2. When I am Afraid by Laura Hackett
3. Wait and See by Brandon Heath
4. Twilight by Shaun Groves
5. Came to My Rescue by Hillsong

That is all. Goodnight.

Happy Birthday Miss Ussery

Today is an important one, because it marks the day that the beautiful, amazing, Miss Maxine Ussery came into the world 96 years ago!!

To me, she is a woman of integrity and grace. And this comes from only knowing her for a little while before I shipped out to college and such. I used to play dominoes with her and the rest of the senior adults at my church every Wednesday morning during the summer. Besides learning how to play Mexican Train and Chicken Foot, I saw what it means to be a woman of God for all of one's life. I watched how she took care of her friends, and prayed for many. I listened to her tell some of the most amazing stories! She is one who when she leaves a room full of people, it was made better because she was there. I want to be like Miss Ussery.

My favorite words of hers come from her talking about her future pallbearers. She's planning to have only women carry her out, saying, "No man ever took me in my lifetime, why should they take me out now?" She's a clever one I tell you! Although, I am still very confused as to why no man ever snatched this gem!

Speaking of amazing women, I feel the need to shout out some thanks for some beautiful women in my life as of late. In this week alone, I got one of the most encouraging emails from Masha. I got a letter from Lexie, all the way from Parris Island, SC (it was a comical letter, explaining some of the training she's going through). I have two important visits coming up that include Liz and Sharon! Ashton emailed some great news--she's probably moving to Chicago (and who also might be visiting soon)! Ariel and I talked for a long time the other day, and it was so neat to know how to better be praying for her. Then there was a fantastic conversation with Melissa V., and the pending trip to "Into the Fire" with Yolanda and Linda (two of the older women of our church). Oh yeah!

I praise God for putting such wonderful people in my life!

Last night, was another sweet gal moment too. After I chatted with Kendra for a long time about life, we got to be there for someone else going through a rough time. What I've noticed is how much presence matters. I definitely did not know what to say, and sometimes too, if I was in the other's shoes I know I wouldn't necessarily want people just talking to me the whole time either.

Interestingly enough, I had started off saying how much it stinks to be a woman because of all of the emotions we go through. But by the end I realized that it's one of our gifts. It's a beautiful thing that God gives us the chance to empathize in ways men aren't always capable. Sometimes it's annoying to cry so much, but it's also such a great release. And having other women of integrity around mitigates the pain. That's why I have to be (and delight in being) thankful for all of these women. Especially Miss Ussery!

HP Hoe Down

My Texas roots came back to me last night :) The best part of this line dancing is the kid in the blue jacket in the corner. His name is Micah, and we worked that whole song (I Got Friends in Low Places--all the references to alcoholic beverages were replaced with grape juice, milk and koolaid) to get the electric slide down. I was so proud of him! hehe
Here's the sweet band that played Fulsom Prison Blues, Ghostbusters, and John Mayer's No Such Thing. Quite the variety for a hoe down, but it was mainly entertainment music. You can bet that I loved the last one.

And of course I'm wearing plaid. Hoe downs don't come often out here. But then again, my first hoe down came in Nevada, and the next came while I was staying for a week in New Mexico. Hmm.. I shall never forget NM. 300 college students doing 2 straight hours of square and line dances. Good times, great oldies.

The Major Comes in Handy

Communications majors often get a bad rap at Northwestern. Perhaps it is the easiest major, but it is completely practical. I believe, for example, that I would never have been so aware of group dynamics (who's dominating the conversation, who just lost confidence in what he/she was saying because of a certain look they were given, etc.), without professor Karl Simmons. I wouldn't have learned about how to be innovative and take risks with my job (not saying I'm very good at this, but still) without him either. Another valuable lesson is the lesson of feedback.

Karl had always said, "Try to get as much feedback as possible on your performances." He was referring to presentations, often in a work environment.

Feedback, however, is very difficult to give and receive. On the giving side, there is the fear of being too critical, and shutting someone down. I have every desire to be humble about the words I say about someone's performance, although it doesn't always come across that way. I fear I will say something badly, or maybe my timing is off. I dunno. And on the receiving end, it is naturally so hard to take criticism. There is fear of judgment, of not being good enough..

My first reaction is that criticism is supposed to be given out of love. If that's true, then fear should be stilled. And while the feelings of inadequacy may remain, the hope is to understand that no matter what happens, both persons involved will continue to be loved.

All this to say, I spent five 30 min increments with my Fusion student leaders today, giving them feedback on their leadership qualities.

I learned so much. First and foremost, the value of communication. I had mentioned some of the things that I had seen during the all-nighter that I wanted to be different/better, and we got to have lots of conversations about all of those things. It was neat to brainstorm some ideas for upcoming Fusions as well.

In these meeting times, I realized more clearly what these students were dealing with in life. I kept seeing their craving to grow spiritually, and yet the constant pulling down on them by the world or personal struggles. My desire for them increased from helping them grow as leaders, to also caring for them better as my brothers and sisters. Younger brothers and sisters, that is ;). Oh how much better I could be at praying for them, and encouraging them!!

As I talked with another staff member (very generally) post the meetings, we talked about the value of communication. Even if it's painful at times, you at least know where the other is coming from, and sometimes that makes all the difference. I was completely grateful for these meetings, and I never realized how fast 2 and a half hours could go! Way cool.

Speaking of cool, I was reading 1 John yesterday, and I think this verse applies--concerning the issue of love being at the root of the feedback:

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

We must remember that the conversation can not end here. We recognize that people are constantly in flux, because God has never intended us to be the same. We need to keep asking of each other, and setting standards higher for growth. It's weird to look back and see how Jesus had at one point called Simon Peter Satan, but it was a criticism that helped Peter to grow in his leadership. We know that Jesus is more concerned with discipline than punishment with those who chase after Him. May that encourage you too.

P.S. Feedback is welcome for this too.

P.P.S. Stay tuned for (a few) pictures from High Point's hoedown!

The Squeaky Wheel

Performance may so intertwine falsely with love that we cannot conceive of being loved unless we have performed rightly. Or worse, we come to believe that not performing earns rejection, so even if someone gives us love, we think we didn't deserve it and either won't receive love offered, or false guilt assails.*

Yes. It's time for an update of what I learned in the GROW class. Last week and this week was an explanation of the false self, another obstacle to being more aware of God's presence in our lives.

false self: untrue, not real, fake and/or imaginary version of one's character and being.

The explanation came to life in two stick figure drawings in my notes. One is labeled "Glittering Image" and the other is labeled "the Beast." We waver between both of these images throughout our lives, but neither of them is our true self. The Glittering Image captures who we desire ourselves to be. It's more than just the mask we wear to portray a "good" person, it's the little and big things we choose to do for the attention that leads to love from others (or so we think). The Beast on the other hand is who we envision ourselves to really be because of how much we hide. "We know who we really are," we tell ourselves, "but if anyone found out what would happen?" The answer is rejection, and with that comes some form of death.

When the Glittering Image fails, we often resort to the Beast. We lose our job, for instance, and then decide, "to heck with it," and begin to wallow in our grief. Some turn to drinking, others to cutting, etc. etc. Or maybe we enjoy the Beast version of ourselves because we realize the Glittering Image (our only other option, in our opinion) is too difficult.

Yet the reality is that they are both lies, as they are both merely images. Neither of them portray who we truly are, that is, a child of God.

The cool thing about God is He will love us in whatever state we find ourselves. But as my old youth pastor used to say, "He accepts you where you are, but He does not intend for you to stay that way!" Jesus puts it this way (The Message style):

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. (Matthew 11:28)

The unforced rhythms of grace. The child of God has not done anything to earn the title child of God (see Romans 6:23), unlike the other two images that we've thus far discussed. We are to come to recognize simply who we are. There is freedom in this recognition, and yet it also marks the beginning of a battle. We wrestle with the understanding of our free gift of grace, mainly because there is a foe named Satan who will prod us just enough for us to think the false self works (oh snap to the double entendre!).

The main way Satan does this is by telling us that we must earn our salvation. We must perform well or else God will not keep loving us. Paul writes:

This is the only thing I want to find out from you: did you receive the Spirit by the works of the Law, or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? (Galatians 3:2-3)

And then this guy John writes (on behalf of Jesus):

You have persevered and have endured hardships for my (Jesus') name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. (Revelation 2:3-4)

We keep falling into the trap of performance, and the video at the beginning captures that well. We had watched it in class and talked about the message it was sending; to earn respect (or love) was only through winning. And yet the discussion was followed up with the important question, "Who won the NBA championship 3 years ago?" No one could answer, even though that was only three seasons past.

We run in our squirrel cage, thinking the constant squeaking of the wheel of our achievements is a verification of our reality and worth.. The false self, sensing its fundamental unreality, begins to clothe itself in myths and symbols of power. Since it intuits that it is but a shadow, that it is nothing, it begins to convince itself that it is what it does.**

We talked about how much we really can't do anything on our own. It's why Jesus came. But it also extends into the reasons behind His baptism--that only He could fulfill the Law for us. This was mind-boggling! Why would Jesus need to be baptized after all? John the Baptist was baptizing for the repentance of sins, yet we know Christ to be blameless. Or how about the fact that even our prayers do not come from us, but from the workings of the Holy Spirit?

Yet we still do things. How do we prove our faith except through works? An important time to clarify.

Jesus said, "If you love me, you will obey my commands." (John 14:15)

He did not say, "If you obey my commands, I [Jesus] will love you." This is a logical fallacy. While let's say, there is no cloud in sight therefore it must not be raining, we could not say it is not raining therefore there is no cloud in sight. Our actions come in response to the recognition of our true self. We are children of God who are unconditionally loved by the Father. How then, could we not obey Him?

Works are done not to earn this salvation, but works are our effort (albeit weak) to love Him back. The battle resides in where our motivations lie behind the things we do. The crazy thing with all of this, too, is that when we become the new creation, Christ calls us toward rest, not work (read the Matthew 11:28 verse again). Really, He just wants us to be with Him, to walk with Him, as it was originally intended. Remember? Remember the intimacy that Adam and Eve had in the garden? Remember Enoch, who walked with God?

But the further away we get from the original plan, the harder it can be to remember, eh? It's when we resort back to the squeaky wheel mentality, "Well if I just do this, then I'll feel like I'm worth something."

Christ is calling us to just be. He has given us gifts and talents, dreams and desires, and the hope is for them to manifest so fully in our lives that we get lost in being. In being with Him, in knowing Him well..

I don't know how to conclude this, because there is so much that can be said. Hopefully this was enough to get the conversation/thinking started. Maybe you can understand why, too, I love this class so much!

* The Transformation of the Inner Man.
** Merton's Palace of Nowhere.

For Grandpa

My grandpa sent me an email saying he wanted more pictures of snow. Unfortunately, most of it has already melted (it's already 60 degrees again! That's Colorado for you.), so I decided to bring in some oldies but goodies. I'll try to get a few more, but here's what I got for now. Love you grandpa!!

Influences

For this second snow day, I ended up watching two Grey's Anatomy episodes (I did much more than that, don't you fret!). They were just reruns from this season I'm guessing, but I was reminded of my times in college when I first got into the show. Season one was incredible, and it was so fun to watch with Luke, Janna and Tim. I lasted about halfway through season three, mainly because I watched with my neighbor at the time, a gal named Ariel. :)

What I remember thinking a lot about this show, and twas my main reason for abandoning it, was that the advice on relationships was horrendous. I mean, we, America, or mainly girls, like that don't we? We get sucked into all of the television drama. There's a reason soap operas are still alive and well today.

Yet as I watched, I recognized too how small their world was. The second episode consisted of bringing in the cast from the sister show, Private Practice, to get more viewers (and using Taye Diggs is just cheap I tell you!). The characters all seemed to have a complicated relational history. If I remember correctly though, some of the characters come from New York, some are now in Seattle, and the rest are in L.A. How can there be so much relationship stress among them? How come they all keep dating each other? How can they be so calm around each other when half of them cheated on the other half (or something to that effect)?

I think this unreality stuff is getting to me in how I see it affect others. I've had a lot of conversations with students lately (yes, mainly girls) about how they do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. What I seem to be hearing is that it's okay to cheat, it's okay to have friends with benefits, and it's okay to dress immodestly.

How can I forget the reaction when I told a few gals to stop talking about the things they were talking about? I told them, "Look, I have close friends who struggle with pornography. You have no idea what the boys in this room are struggling with, and you have no idea how even the words that you are using will affect their minds."

One girl said, "Well, I had an argument for you, until I heard that.."

I had asked another girl on a separate occasion what was the point of dating. She had shrugged. "I've never really thought about it before."

There are students who send texts about who they just made out with; there is pride in the guys' eyes when they start talking about how many girlfriends they have had.

What I think I'm seeing is that these television shows and movies (and I'll throw music in there too) are getting to us and making it seem like selfishness is okay. Kiss who you want, they tell us. Divorce if you want, etc. etc. And yet, it's not just t.v. shows either. I see teenagers and peers gathering information on how to do relationships from people who have no love for Christ.

It's that last line that's critical, because we do not know what love is apart from Christ. "We love, because He first loved us." True love has more to do with sacrifice than we're willing to admit, and a lot of us are afraid to lay down our life for someone else, whatever that may entail. But if you want what's real, that's what it's about. Christ wouldn't have died if that weren't true.

So I guess my plea for myself and for others is to pay attention to good examples, and most of all The good example. Let us take everything told to us with a grain of salt, and continue the discussion on relationships with other believers--young, old, widowed, and so on. Thank you Merge, for starting this topic up for me again, by the way. It is peanut butter jelly time! ;)